Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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