matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
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He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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