Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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