I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Two words: nipple clamps
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