forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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