Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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