dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
