I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
