mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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