she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
