Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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