she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
