I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
