I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
