I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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