I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
