he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
