Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
