My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
