So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.