I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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