im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
