Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
