"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
