Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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