So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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