You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
