I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
