My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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