booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
