are you still at the devil's house?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
