I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
