one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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