I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
