the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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