if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
