her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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