guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
