This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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