I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
