I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
