Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
