it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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