wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
