My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
