If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
