im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
