I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
