if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
