You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
