i would punch a child for taco bell
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
