We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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