I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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