Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
