the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
