Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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